Infertility: An 11-letter word

Header photo attribution:
ImageCreator – http://www.imagecreator.co.uk/

Before we got married, husband and I both spoke extensively about our dreams and desire to be parents. Warning: this is a long post. I thank you in advance for staying with me.

“I would be perfectly content if we conceived before we were married,” my darling husband told my parents.

“Not yet, love. Let’s get married first,” I retorted.

Of course, no pregnancy pre-marriage occurred, and if you can guess by the title of this blog post, a full term pregnancy has yet to happen as we are soon to enter our 4th year of marriage.

It has been a rough road, and I honestly should have known I’d have problems. I’ve regularly been irregular with my periods, but when you’re young, sometimes you don’t think about the fact that you skipped a month or four. Because when you do have a period, it’s long and heavy and the cramp pain is very, very real. Hear me out ladies. If you even think you want to have children and your periods are not regular, GO TO THE DOCTOR NOW. Do not wait for the moment when you’re actually ready to have children. Take care of you and your uterus.

So after running a few tests with my Obgyn, I was referred to the Fertility Center of San Antonio. Friends who had been there praised the clinic from their own successful experiences. We felt like we were in good hands (we were), and we just knew this would work (hint: it didn’t).

More tests and a surgery to remove polyps from the uterus, and it was determined husband also had his own set of infertility issues. Great. Male & female factor infertility.

“It’s okay. We’ve both had issues and look at us. We have kids,” friends echoed. “It’s not the end of the road.”

Our doctor told us he would only perform IUI (intrauterine insemination) once. Basically – the turkey baster method. With our combination of infertility, if it didn’t work the first time, he didn’t think it was fiscally responsible to do it again. Of course, it didn’t work. Next stop? IVF.

---

IVF – in vitro fertilization. My doctor was confident this could work. Even though I was already 37, I had A LOT of eggs – more than most women my age. And no sign of cysts or any issues typically associated with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). I needed to lose a little weight to do it in the clinic, but then we were off. I quickly reached the weight loss goal and in we went.

23 eggs were retrieved; 13 were good quality; 9 were inseminated; 5 were good; 5 were frozen. Our first round, my doctor recommended only implanting 1 embryo. He’s the doc. He knows best. I got a positive pregnancy test, and all was looking peachy. I was feeling early symptoms, and then wham. We went in for the first ultrasound and nothing was there. Nada. We’d miscarried. We were devastated, but then reminded quickly that we had 4 more good embryos and when we were ready, we could try again. Side note: I still have the positive pregnancy test from this attempt. I don’t know if I’ll ever throw it away…

Transfer 2. This time, we transferred 2 embryos. No positive pregnancy. This round was a fail.

Transfer 3. Once again, 2 embryos were transferred, and this time, we got a big fat positive. And my numbers were VERY high which was looking very good for us. We were thrilled! One afternoon, however, as we were driving to the store after having lunch, I felt cramps. Bad cramps. Cramps like I’d never had before. “We have to go home now,” I told my husband. “Why?” he asked. “Something isn’t right. We need to go.” So we skipped the store and headed home to be met with my biggest fear: I was bleeding fairly heavily. I called the clinic and they got me in the next day. They kept saying not to stress as these things can and do happen and often mean nothing. But I knew in my heart it was bad news. And again, my fears were confirmed during the ultrasound when there was nothing there. I was alone. Husband was at work, so this was news I had to hear without him by my side. I called him at work and he cried. We both cried.

---

We have not embarked on IVF since then. The cost is too high and we can’t take out another loan to pay for it until we pay off the first two loans. And by then, I’ll be almost 40. Friends ask us if we’ve considered adoption. It’s not for us right now. Maybe eventually. Even if we do conceive. We’ve been asked if we’ve considered surrogacy or a donor egg/sperm/embryo. Fostering. Anything other than conceiving our own flesh & blood. Friends, the answer is no. First of all, those things are often far more expensive than IVF. Second, WE WANT TO TRY TO HAVE A CHILD OF OUR OWN.

What makes this harder is seeing our own friends realize their dreams of getting pregnant. And without fail, every single one of them reaches out to me personally to share the news. It always starts the same. “I wanted to tell you before I post it publicly. I didn’t want to hurt your feelings and I wanted to give you the chance to unfollow me or if you need to take a break from me, whatever.” And I’m torn. These people are my friends for a reason. No baby should ruin that. But, honestly, it’s hard. Thinking about them now with all the various milestones – first heartbeat, sex reveal, showers, 3d sonos, THE BIRTH and hearing the words “it’s a girl” or “it’s a boy” or “it’s twins,” and then getting to mold them into tiny humans…I am close to weeping at my computer.

Everyone who knows me knows how much I love traveling and that I am quite literally obsessed with the UK and talk often about wanting to go there. Truth bomb? I would give every last bit of that up to have my own family. I would NEVER set foot in the UK the rest of my life to carry a pregnancy to term. Some dreams are just bigger than others.

I still have faith. I’m trying to believe and be strong. I pray every day. And husband and I are seriously trying to take care of our health in the hopes that we may be one of those who just gets lucky on our own after failing with IVF. And if we do, I have the BEST ideas for how to announce it. Another truth – sharing those announcements with family and friends is almost as big a dream as the actual pregnancy/delivery part. I’m cheesy, I know.

I am reminded that my body knows how to get pregnant, which is at least part of the battle. I take that with me as we continue whatever journey lies ahead.

Whoa…okay. So I told you that would be long. If you’ve stayed with me this far, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I read an article today about various forms of infertility treatments and it made me want to cry, so I decided to get it out of my system by doing what I do best – writing.