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40 by 40

In just over a year, I will turn 40. Hold the phone. WHAT?! When I say that out loud, I hear the lyrics “how did we get here, how the hell?” from the musical RENT. Granted completely different story, but still… (my life, dear readers, is often like a musical.)

So I’m sitting her tonight, diving deep into the bowels of Pinterest looking at party ideas. My husband turns 40 this year; my mom turns 70 this year; I turn 40 next year. So many big birthdays within the next year. While scrolling through Pinterest for ideas for DH’s birthday, I see a smash cake photoshoot for a “sweet 30th” and think to myself – hey…I should do that next year. Plan a photoshoot with an awesome photographer in San Antonio, get all dressed up and fancy, and take some seriously fun photos involving cake and champagne. Or wine. Or all of it. I’m totally here for this.

But now I want to take it one step further. Right now, I don’t love how I look in photos. I’m incredibly self conscious. So if I’m going to take a series of awesome photos for my 40th birthday, I want to look good – happy, healthy…all of it. Which brings me to this blog.

40 things I want to accomplish by my 40th birthday. As this is just entering my brain, I will be adding things as they come to me, so bear with me. Some of my goals will be vague (travel somewhere special vs. go to this specific location); some will be more specific (take 40th birthday smash cake photos).

Those of you who know me can help with some of these things. If it’s health or fitness-related – encourage me. For real. I mean, don’t beat me up if I slip up, but if you see me making smart choices, say something. If you notice I’ve lost weight, I wanna hear it. But also, if you can, don’t tempt me to take missteps. (No cookies or cakes just because. No unhealthy appetizers.)

So as you can tell, goal one in my 40 things by 40 – LOSE WEIGHT. Like serious weight. Not an unhealthy amount, but reach my goal. Maybe not my final goal (although, why not??), but for sure reach a milestone goal. I can do this. I KNOW I can.

I want to make this less “New Year’s resolution-y” and more “me goals for a healthier, happier, better life” things. Here are my first ten (the photos will be #40):

  1. Reach a goal weight (# to lose to be announced later).
  2. Travel somewhere fun in the next year.
  3. Focus my energy on the positive things happening in my life and around me. There is so much good!
  4. Meal prep lunches like a boss. Contributes to #1. The more I meal prep, the healthier I eat. The healthier I eat, the more weight I can lose.
  5. One meal a day = a good, healthy, hearty salad. (Y’all – right now, I am OBSESSED with Green Vegetarian’s amazing kale salad. It is basically one of the best salads I’ve ever had and I am fairly certain I could eat it for every. single. meal.)
  6. WORK THE EFF OUT. I have a free membership to a fitness center because of where I work. And I never go down there. Why? Because when I’m done with work, I wanna go home. I’m tired and worn out and excuse, excuse, excuse. So I either need to make a conscious effort to get my lazy butt out of bed early so I can workout before I start my day, or I need to bite the bullet and stay an extra hour after work. Also an option – walking with our dog in the evening. It’s good bonding for DH and me, and it’s beneficial to everyone’s health. As Jedi Master Yoda would say, “Try not. Do or do not. There is no try.”
  7. Write more. On the blog. Letters. Cards. Journal. I just need to write. It’s another one of my gifts that I need to use.
  8. Pay off a good chunk of my debt. This might mean taking some odd jobs here and there, and it may mean sacrificing some things at times, but it will be worth it in the end. As of now, I know of at least one thing that will be paid off by October. Once that is done, I’m planning to up the payments on another thing. If we want to buy a house soon – and we do – we need to get out from under some of the debt holding us down. It’s hard to pick up odd jobs when your main job is one that often includes extra hours into the evenings for events, but there are opportunities out there – stage managing, photography, baking…just a few ways I know I can contribute my skills while making a few extra dolla’ bills.
  9. Stage manage another show or a few! Again, not always easy because of work, but there are some times out of the year when I can stage manage. Know of a show looking for a stage manager? Hit me up! I may not be available, but I’m always interested in being asked. Who knows? It might be the perfect timing!
  10. Perform. Somewhere. Some how. Some way. Maybe even periodically recored & share a video of myself singing something. I’m getting to that point where I’m growing more and more nervous at the idea of performing in front of people. I need to get my confidence back and this is one way to do that.

Dear readers, thank you for sticking with me through this bumbling, long blog. I’ll think of more things and do another post with those soon. (If anything – this keeps me active in using my blog and contributes to #7.)

Until then…

Meet Me at the Stage Door

Theatre.

Theatre has been part of my life since I was a kid. My mom used to take my brother and me to see shows at Casa Mañana in Ft. Worth, and then as I got older, she and I would see shows that came through at Dallas Summer Musicals. The first show I remember seeing and loving was The Phantom of the Opera. Kevin Gray (OBM) was the title role. I was in awe of his talent and joined his fan club. (This is back when you had to actually fill out paper and mail something to join. He – or the club – sent me an autographed headshot.)

Fast forward a few years to 1994. I was cast in my very first show – As You Like It – at the Globe of the Great Southwest in Odessa. I was a lady-in-waiting and the understudy for Phebe. At only 14 years old, this was a big deal for me. I never went on as Phebe and I’m not certain I could have, but I thoroughly enjoyed the experience getting to work with some incredibly talented individuals. It also got me out of school a bit! After this show, it would be roughly ten years before I would step foot on stage, but when I did, I didn’t look back.

As You Like It – Globe Theatre of the Great Southwest, 1994 – That’s me stage right (audience left) with the black dress and blue thing over the top – 3rd from the left, back row)

I have been fortunate to be part of some amazing shows since I found my way in – San Antonio College: Seussical the Musical (Mrs. Mayor); Sheldon Vexler Theatre: Urinetown: The Musical (Soupy Sue), Side Show (Dolly Dimples, u/s Violet), VEXed: A Musical Review, RENT (Mark’s Mom, “Season’s Soloist”, costumer), & Little Shop of Horrors (Ensemble, soloist); The Playhouse (now Public Theatre of San Antonio): Here’s Love (not my favorite show, but I met some amazing, lifelong friends doing this one), A Christmas Carol (4 years and a variety of roles), The Sound of Music (Sister Sophia), The King & I (wife of the King), & Thoroughly Modern Millie (ensemble); Woodlawn: 9 to 5: The Musical (Margaret Pomerance – the “Atta Girl” lady).

Each of the aforementioned productions, and others not listed, have helped me grow as a performer, and each holds a special place in my heart for one reason or another. One, of course, stands out more than the rest.

I first saw RENT in 2004 when my best friend & I went to NYC. I’d heard a couple of songs from the show but didn’t know it like most of my friends. I didn’t know which characters died. I didn’t know anything about who Angel was. I didn’t know the character relationships. I just knew that it was a big deal and I needed to see it. The cast was incredible: Matt Caplan (Mark), Jeremy Kushnier (Roger), Mel B – yes Scary Spice!! (Mimi), Maggie Benjamin (Maureen), Andy Señor (Angel), D’Monroe (Benny), Danielle Lee Greaves (Joanne), Mark Richard Ford (Collins). I remember the moment I realized Angel had died. I’m pretty certain I let out an audible gasp. And I am certain I sobbed. The song I had stuck in my head? “Goodbye Love.” I saw the show on Broadway another 2 or 3 times. I’ve seen the tour 2 or 3 times. I saw the movie (blech). I saw the final performance screening in theaters multiple times. And I have listened to the cast recording countless times. RENT very quickly became a favorite.

So when Ken Frazier decided to direct it at The Vex, I decided I was going to be in it, some how/way/why. I had my hopes of who I wanted to play, and unfortunately that didn’t happen. Truth? The sting is still there. But it all worked out, and I loved being part of the show in the capacity I was. And I had a BLAST as Mark’s mom. I also loved getting to surprise friends when they heard me hit that money note in “Seasons of Love.” Our cast was brilliant. The set was perfect. The costumes gave subtle nods to originals, but were unique (looking back, I’d change a few things). Ken made it his own in so many ways, which was special as the San Antonio debut. I have never felt that kind of a bond with a cast for any show I’ve been in. We left rehearsals crying. We knew these stories were about real people. That the world Jonathan Larson so carefully crafted was very real. And our job was to tell those stories. We changed the names, as the script says you can, during “Life Support” to those of people we knew or people on the creative team knew – even names from friends – who lost their battle with AIDS.

“La Vie Boheme” – RENT – Sheldon Vexler Theatre, 2010
RENT – parents, Sheldon Vexler Theatre, 2010

After being in the show, it was hard for a while to listen to any recording of RENT, or to even see another production. It just held – and continues to hold – such a special place in my heart, and I knew I would be an unfair critic of any other production. But with time comes distance, and I’ve since gotten the opportunity to see some wonderful productions, one of which I saw last week at The Public. They have a solid show, and I highly recommend you check it out.

One thing seeing the recent production at the Public has done is make me realize exactly how much I miss performing. I have not been in a show since Little Shop of Horrors in 2013. I had a couple of opportunities that didn’t work out because I was in school and/or I had moved into a new position at work, so I wouldn’t be able to give the show the time it deserved. I’ve also gotten to stage manage a number of shows, which I’ve thoroughly enjoyed. But I miss the stage. I miss stirring an emotion in the audience. I miss meeting friends at the stage door after they’ve seen a show. It’s not that I miss hearing people say “oh hey – you’re wonderful” or anything like that. I genuinely miss singing, dancing, and telling stories. And I miss the camaraderie that comes from being part of a show. There are shows this season I would’ve auditioned for, had timing worked out. One is a bucket list show. But. Such is life, and I know the show will be beautiful. I don’t know yet if I’ll be able to see it though. 😦

A number of theaters will be soon announcing their next seasons, and I can’t wait. I’m hoping there’s something at one of them I can do. I’m hoping I can make it work with my work schedule, which can be quite busy. The hard thing is the season auditions. We don’t set our Arts & Culture season at work until after the season auditions happen. So am I automatically out because I don’t totally know my conflicts? I hate that. It feels so unfair. Or do I audition anyhow, and then later update them if I have any specific conflicts? I’m serious, y’all. What’s a girl to do?

Meanwhile, I’m going to work on songs, and update my repertoire. I’ll take some voice lessons. I’ll get active and take care of myself. All of this so, if I’m able, I can be as prepared as possible for any possible audition. Because I can hear the stage calling.

And I leave you with these (because what kind of theatre person wouldn’t include videos of themself singing) –

Laura Michelle Hoadley & me singing “I’ll Cover You” from RENT
“Disneyland” from Smile
Beth Erwin & me singing “For Good” from Wicked

To Body with Love

Husband and I have been talking for some time about getting healthy. Each summer, when he works camp, we make plans to workout together, eat healthier, and “get it right this time.” Of course, we don’t do the working out. Sometimes we eat healthy. And we don’t get it right.

Today, husband made the same promise. “This summer, I’m going to really work out with the trainer. Maybe not everyday, but some days. Or swim or work out on my own. This is the summer.” I reminded him that he says that every year, and he chuckled, but said he means it this time.

I’m hopeful that we really may stay focused and commit to being the healthiest versions of ourselves. After all, he will be 40 this year, and I’m not far behind him next year. And we are still trying to get pregnant, so it makes sense that we would do everything we can to get ourselves healthier. The only way we’re going to be successful is to be healthy inside and out.

Lately, we’ve been trying our hand at eating Keto. We haven’t fully gotten there, but we’re definitely doing low carb. I didn’t want to thrust ourselves into such a major change, but I’m finding that I really enjoy the foods we’re eating. I need to be better about meal planning/prepping. I’m HORRIBLE about that. So then I get to a point where I don’t have anything for breakfast or lunch, and to fix that, I’ll skip breakfast and then go buy something for lunch. Fortunately, I’m not doing fast food. I’ll usually get something healthy at HEB or whatever restaurant I’m having lunch. Husband, on the other hand, is skipping breakfast and then eating chips & a soda for lunch. It’s hard, because I want us to both do this fully. I think it’ll help us and the only thing we’re hurting by not doing it is ourselves. Got recipes you like? Tips for meal prep? I’d love to hear your ideas!

I haven’t decided if Keto is the answer for us. One thing is certain from what I’ve read is that it’s excellent for PCOS, which I have, and it can help people with infertility. For now, I will keep pushing forward and hope I can stay committed to living an overall healthy lifestyle.

I’m not at the point of saying what my starting weight or measurements are, but I do have that info jotted down. I hope in a few months or a year, when I revisit this, I can feel confident enough in myself to share where I started to show how far I’ve come.

Until then…

Infertility: An 11-letter word

Header photo attribution:
ImageCreator – http://www.imagecreator.co.uk/

Before we got married, husband and I both spoke extensively about our dreams and desire to be parents. Warning: this is a long post. I thank you in advance for staying with me.

“I would be perfectly content if we conceived before we were married,” my darling husband told my parents.

“Not yet, love. Let’s get married first,” I retorted.

Of course, no pregnancy pre-marriage occurred, and if you can guess by the title of this blog post, a full term pregnancy has yet to happen as we are soon to enter our 4th year of marriage.

It has been a rough road, and I honestly should have known I’d have problems. I’ve regularly been irregular with my periods, but when you’re young, sometimes you don’t think about the fact that you skipped a month or four. Because when you do have a period, it’s long and heavy and the cramp pain is very, very real. Hear me out ladies. If you even think you want to have children and your periods are not regular, GO TO THE DOCTOR NOW. Do not wait for the moment when you’re actually ready to have children. Take care of you and your uterus.

So after running a few tests with my Obgyn, I was referred to the Fertility Center of San Antonio. Friends who had been there praised the clinic from their own successful experiences. We felt like we were in good hands (we were), and we just knew this would work (hint: it didn’t).

More tests and a surgery to remove polyps from the uterus, and it was determined husband also had his own set of infertility issues. Great. Male & female factor infertility.

“It’s okay. We’ve both had issues and look at us. We have kids,” friends echoed. “It’s not the end of the road.”

Our doctor told us he would only perform IUI (intrauterine insemination) once. Basically – the turkey baster method. With our combination of infertility, if it didn’t work the first time, he didn’t think it was fiscally responsible to do it again. Of course, it didn’t work. Next stop? IVF.

IVF – in vitro fertilization. My doctor was confident this could work. Even though I was already 37, I had A LOT of eggs – more than most women my age. And no sign of cysts or any issues typically associated with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). I needed to lose a little weight to do it in the clinic, but then we were off. I quickly reached the weight loss goal and in we went.

23 eggs were retrieved; 13 were good quality; 9 were inseminated; 5 were good; 5 were frozen. Our first round, my doctor recommended only implanting 1 embryo. He’s the doc. He knows best. I got a positive pregnancy test, and all was looking peachy. I was feeling early symptoms, and then wham. We went in for the first ultrasound and nothing was there. Nada. We’d miscarried. We were devastated, but then reminded quickly that we had 4 more good embryos and when we were ready, we could try again. Side note: I still have the positive pregnancy test from this attempt. I don’t know if I’ll ever throw it away…


Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash

Transfer 2. This time, we transferred 2 embryos. No positive pregnancy. This round was a fail.

Transfer 3. Once again, 2 embryos were transferred, and this time, we got a big fat positive. And my numbers were VERY high which was looking very good for us. We were thrilled! One afternoon, however, as we were driving to the store after having lunch, I felt cramps. Bad cramps. Cramps like I’d never had before. “We have to go home now,” I told my husband. “Why?” he asked. “Something isn’t right. We need to go.” So we skipped the store and headed home to be met with my biggest fear: I was bleeding fairly heavily. I called the clinic and they got me in the next day. They kept saying not to stress as these things can and do happen and often mean nothing. But I knew in my heart it was bad news. And again, my fears were confirmed during the ultrasound when there was nothing there. I was alone. Husband was at work, so this was news I had to hear without him by my side. I called him at work and he cried. We both cried.

We have not embarked on IVF since then. The cost is too high and we can’t take out another loan to pay for it until we pay off the first two loans. And by then, I’ll be almost 40. Friends ask us if we’ve considered adoption. It’s not for us right now. Maybe eventually. Even if we do conceive. We’ve been asked if we’ve considered surrogacy or a donor egg/sperm/embryo. Fostering. Anything other than conceiving our own flesh & blood. Friends, the answer is no. First of all, those things are often far more expensive than IVF. Second, WE WANT TO TRY TO HAVE A CHILD OF OUR OWN.

What makes this harder is seeing our own friends realize their dreams of getting pregnant. And without fail, every single one of them reaches out to me personally to share the news. It always starts the same. “I wanted to tell you before I post it publicly. I didn’t want to hurt your feelings and I wanted to give you the chance to unfollow me or if you need to take a break from me, whatever.” And I’m torn. These people are my friends for a reason. No baby should ruin that. But, honestly, it’s hard. Thinking about them now with all the various milestones – first heartbeat, sex reveal, showers, 3d sonos, THE BIRTH and hearing the words “it’s a girl” or “it’s a boy” or “it’s twins,” and then getting to mold them into tiny humans…I am close to weeping at my computer.

Everyone who knows me knows how much I love traveling and that I am quite literally obsessed with the UK and talk often about wanting to go there. Truth bomb? I would give every last bit of that up to have my own family. I would NEVER set foot in the UK the rest of my life to carry a pregnancy to term. Some dreams are just bigger than others.

I still have faith. I’m trying to believe and be strong. I pray every day. And husband and I are seriously trying to take care of our health in the hopes that we may be one of those who just gets lucky on our own after failing with IVF. And if we do, I have the BEST ideas for how to announce it. Another truth – sharing those announcements with family and friends is almost as big a dream as the actual pregnancy/delivery part. I’m cheesy, I know.

I am reminded that my body knows how to get pregnant, which is at least part of the battle. I take that with me as we continue whatever journey lies ahead.

Whoa…okay. So I told you that would be long. If you’ve stayed with me this far, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I read an article today about various forms of infertility treatments and it made me want to cry, so I decided to get it out of my system by doing what I do best – writing.

Goals for 2019

Every January 1, I compile a lengthy list of goals I hope to accomplish over the next calendar year. Inevitably, I complete half to 3/4 of my list, but never entirely, and I’m disappointed in myself. And not because it’s a bunch of hard things, but more because it’s just a lot to try to do. 365 days seems like a lot, and it seems like it should be easy to do quite a bit in that time, but when you add in work and life, sometimes the reality is that you just don’t have as much time as you’d like. So this year, I’ve decided to shorten my list by about half.

Ladies and gents, I give you my list of goals for 2019:

  1. Go all in with Keto.
    • Keto helps PCOS, which is something I have and is a part of the reason for my infertility. I have had multiple friends who have gotten pregnant after doing Keto. I have nothing to lose but weight.
  2. Take another Central Market class
    • Jack and I have taken a class two out of our three anniversaries, plus we did another one in the middle of the year last year, and we’ve thoroughly enjoyed the experience. And yes, we have gone on to use the recipes we’ve learned later.
    • I would welcome another class with Jack, of course, but I also would love to do one with friends.
  3. Travel
    • Traveling is in my blood. “I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes.” To not travel would be, in my opinion, to not live my best, fullest life. We don’t have to travel around the world or spend thousands of dollars we don’t currently have to have a meaningful vacation. We just need to go somewhere, whether we visit NYC again, or drive a couple hours south to the coast, or head into the Hill Country. I just want to go somewhere. I’d also love to do a trip with my girlfriends and one with my mom.
  4. Go to church regularly.
    • Last year, we joined University United Methodist and, soon after, the choir. We enjoyed it immensely, but then we had a miscarriage and then I stage managed a show, and suddenly we were not regularly going to either. We need to get back on track.
  5. Read 6 books.
    • That’s 1 book every 2 months. I think this should be doable. Especially when my job involves planning author events. It should be a no-brainer. And my current list of books to read is quite extensive.
  6. Go on more double dates!
    • Some of our favorite dates have been with friends, so why not do more of this? And not just with the same couples, even though we love them. It’s just great to do and see new things and people.
  7. 1 date a month with the husband. Duh.
  8. Walk more in prep for runDisney Wine & Dine 2020
    • In 2020, I’ll be 40. O.O As such, my goal is to join my friends in participating in runDisney’s Wine & Dine race. This includes a 5k, 10k, and half marathon over the course of a few days. It seems like a lot, and right now I’m not sure it’s something I can accomplish, but I plan to train to get there. And if I am not able to successfully do it, well, at least I tried and trained and did something to make myself healthier. Can’t go wrong with that.
  9. Have more girls nights out.
    • Date nights are fun, but I need my girls. Nuff said.
  10. Learn how to use my Cricut.
    • Husband bought me a Cricut for my birthday…last May. And I have yet to learn how to use it. He’s probably convinced it was a waste of his money and that it’ll just sit there, collecting dust (he’s never said that). I know there’s a lot I could do with it – even making things I could sell on Etsy. Several of the things I got for family gifts this year came from Etsy, and I’m about 99.9% sure they were done with a Cricut or similar device. WHY PAY SOMEONE TO DO WHAT I KNOW I CAN DO!?

Alright – that’s it. Ten things to help keep my year busy, exciting, and engaging in many ways. Nothing too hard or stressful. No actual resolutions. Just goals of how to live my best, healthiest life, and to work my way to making other dreams become realities.

Got ideas for how I can make some of these things happen? Book suggestions? Ideas for date nights or girls nights? I’m all ears, and I welcome your thoughts.

The Journey Begins

Thanks for joining me! I was inspired by my BFF to take pen to paper – or hands to keyboard – to start a blog. So, here we are. 

I am undecided exactly how or what this blog will feature. As of now, my plan is to use it to share our fertility journey, or as I like to call it – our journey to parenthood. I also plan to use this as a platform to just share aspects of life – from the absolute mundane to travel excursions, photography, and just about everything in between. I may post daily, or weekly. My goal is to post semi-regularly, and to keep it going for at least this year.

So welcome one and welcome all. I hope you stay around, and I hope you enjoy! Feel free to subscribe, if your heart desires, so you’ll know when I’ve shared something new. 

Oh! And take a stroll on over to Tennille’s new blog, Ten Has Spoken. She’s got a good one over there!

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit. – Aristotle

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